Usenet 1993 July/InfoMagic USENET CD-ROM July 1993.ISO/answers/bisexual/faq

Text File | 1993-06-16 | 25.1 KB | 543 lines

Newsgroups: soc.bi,soc.answers,news.answers
Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!enterpoop.mit.edu!gatech!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!pipex!uknet!newcastle.ac.uk!ordley!njwh
From: [e-mail] (Jon Harley)
Subject: soc.bi FAQ
Nntp-Posting-Host: ordley
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Summary: Frequently Asked Questions about bisexuality
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Organization: University of Newcastle upon Tyne, UK, NE1 7RU
Approved: [e-mail]
Supersedes: <[e-mail]>
Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1993 13:26:06 GMT
Followup-To: soc.bi
Lines: 526
Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu soc.bi:28011 soc.answers:244 news.answers:9493

Archive-name: bisexual/faq
Last-modified: 05-Jun-1993


                            The soc.bi FAQ list
                            ===================
       soc.bi : for the discussion of any issues related to bisexuality

     Posted monthly to news.answers/soc.answers and bi-monthly to soc.bi.
Recent additions are marked by a + sign (for newsreaders with a search option).


CONTENTS
--------

- Useful terms:
      Bisexual
      muffin
      de-muffining
      fluff
      SO
      TOCOTOX
      MOTSS/MOTOS
      LGBO*
      bidar
      monosexual

- The FAQs:
1.    Aren't bisexuals just confused about their sexuality?
2.  + Aren't bisexuals really denying their homosexuality?
3.    Are bisexuals equally attracted to both sexes?
4.    Do bisexuals have to have lovers of both sexes to be bisexual?
5.    Are bisexuals capable of monogamy?
6.    But if they're monogamous, how can they be bisexual?
7.    Isn't everyone really bisexual?
8.    Why do you think bi issues are different from gay issues, since all
      your problems come the same source, homophobia?
9.    Why would lesbians/gay men discriminate against bisexuals?
10.   Why _can't_ you choose one sex over the other?
11.   I've never slept with a MOTSS/MOTOS, but I feel attracted to one.
      Am I bisexual?
12.   Are there any bi-friendly places in real life?
13.   Is there really a bisexual community?
14.   "How can I pick up some hot bisexual babes for a threesome?"
15.   Hi, I'm straight. Is it okay if I post here too?
16.   Is it okay if I ask you all a few questions about bisexuality?
17.   Would you all please help me with this survey on sexuality?
18.   Is there anything else I should not discuss on soc.bi?
19.   Can I post stories to soc.bi?
20.   I haven't seen any responses to my posting. Why are you all ignoring me?
21.   Why is soc.bi so argumentative at the moment, why can't it always
      be nice and fluffy?
22. + I'd like to post to soc.bi but my newsreader won't let me, is there
      another way? And can I post anonymously?
23.   Does anyone know of any good books with bisexual characters?
24.   What is the Kinsey scale?
25.   What other resources are available on bisexuality?

- Contributors.

  --->  Please send any comments/suggestions to [e-mail]  <---

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


SOME USEFUL TERMS
-----------------

Bisexual      People who have erotic, affectionate, romantic feelings for,
              fantasies of, and/or experiences with both men and women, and
              people who self-identify as bisexuals.

muffin        A person who reads but has never posted to soc.bi.

de-muffining  Posting to soc.bi for the first time, hence no longer being
              a muffin.

fluff         In this context, fluff is a posting (or part of a posting)
              with no serious intellectual content, only friendly greetings.
              Actions surrounded by asterisks, eg *HUGS* are usually fluffy.

SO            Significant Other. Unrestrictive term which may apply to
              lover, husband, wife, playpartner, or anyone else of
              importance to the person concerned.

TOCOTOX       TOo COmplicated TO eXplain. Alternative to SO, descriptive of
              a non-traditional relationship which the person concerned does
              not care to spend too much time describing.

MOTSS         Member(s) Of The Same Sex. Generally used to refer to those
              attracted to members of the same sex and stuff like that.
              Like most jargon, it can be used loosely.
              Not to be confused with MOTTS, a brand of apple juice.

MOTOS         Member(s) Of The Opposite (or Other) Sex.

LGBO*         (more often seen in soc.motss than soc.bi) Lesbian, Gay,
              Bisexual, Other, and anyone who feels left out of the above.

bidar         the ability to spot bisexuals just by looking at people.
              (from radar; gaydar is also used)

monosexual    Any person whose long-term sexual orientation and history
              indicates an attraction to only one sex; a homosexual or
              heterosexual, a Kinsey 6 or 0 (see below), and those who
              identify as monosexual. Homosexual individuals who feel a
              strong solidarity with the bisexual community may object to
              a term that associates them with heterosexuals. Still, in a
              discussion where the focus is bisexuality, `monosexual' is
              useful as a clinical term.


THE FAQs
--------

1.   Aren't bisexuals just going through a confused phase of their
     sexuality?

     Bisexuals are people who are attracted to both sexes; their reasons why
they are attracted to one sex may be very different from their reasons why
they are attracted to the other, and they may not be equally attracted to
both sexes. However, many of us are absulutely certain that we are attracted
to both sexes; there is no confusion.

     It is natural for people who are coming to terms with a sexuality which
is not society's norm to be feel confused. For some people, bisexuality is a
phase between homosexuality and heterosexuality (and the individual in
question could be going in either direction), but for many people bisexuality
is a lifelong, committed sexual orientation.

     And even for those who ultimately do not stay bisexual for life, that
does not make it any the less valid as a sexual orientation. Many people
have reported that their sexual orientation has shifted over time;
sexuality is dynamic, not fixed. For some people it may be a small shift,
others a major change of lifestyle; but this does not make the points in
between in any sense "wrong". Life is a continuous process, and few of
us remain exactly the same over long periods of time.

+
2.   Aren't bisexuals really denying their homosexuality?

     It's difficult for some lesbian/gay people to come to grips with their
homosexuality, and for a while, dating MOTOS may make life seem a little
more "realistic" and bearable. Let's face it, coming out of the closet and
living as a homosexual is no picnic; between the sanctioned discrimination
which gay/bi men face of being in a perceived high risk group for AIDS, and
the social standards of love, courtship, and marriage, being gay at times
takes more energy than humans should be asked to give.

     But coming out bisexual is no easy matter, either. Bisexuals have to
face loved ones who have relied in the past on their attraction to them
being constant, and who have to assure them that it will be there in the
future. Bisexuals deal with friends who assure them that their attraction
to motss is "a way of avoiding intimacy" or that their attraction to motos
is "internalized homophobia". Bisexuality is not an "easy way out," a
"denial," or a "middle ground." It is for some people the hardest decision
they will ever make.

     Some bisexuals self-identify as gay or lesbian; for them, their
primary sexual interest lies in members of their same sex. But "gay" and
"lesbian" (and "bisexual" for that matter) are labels created by a
homophobic, biphobic, heterosexist society to create separate categories
of "us" and "them." People are unique; they do not fit into these
comfortable little categories.

     But, attracted to or involved with MOTOS or not, revealing an interest
in MOTSS will often result in gay-related discrimination and exclusion.


3.   Are bisexuals equally attracted to both sexes?

     Many bisexuals feel they have a "preference" for one gender over
another, but they do not deny their attraction for that other gender.

     Some bisexuals, however, have no such preference, and
instead focus their attractions on qualities they see in an individual,
regardless of that person's gender. Sometimes these qualities involve gender,
sometimes not. For example, some people find men attractive as men, and
women attractive as women; others find people's gender irrelevant.


4.   Do bisexuals have to have lovers of both sexes to be bisexual?

     Sometimes it is useful to distinguish bisexual identity and bisexual
behaviour. People who call themselves bisexual are saying that they are
attracted to both men and women. They don't necessarily have to act on that
attraction. Conversely there are many people who have lovers of both sexes,
but who don't think of themselves as bisexual.

     There is a separate newsgroup, alt.polyamory, for discussion of the
issues relating to the dynamics of multi-way relationships (whether
involving bisexuals or not).


5.   Are bisexuals capable of monogamy?

     It depends on the individual. It's like asking "Can a straight person
be monogamous?" Some bisexuals are monogamous, and some aren't. Monogamy
is the socially sanctioned option with respect to relationships, but then
so is heterosexuality. It should be up to every individual, of any
sexuality, to choose the lifestyle which is right for them.


6.   But if they're monogamous, how can they be bisexual?

     A bisexual deciding to be monogamous is not deciding to be "gay" or
"straight." He/She is still bisexual; he/she has chosen a _person_ to live
his/her life with, not an orientation, preference or idealogue. It is
important to recognize that he/she still _feels_ bisexual.


7.   Isn't everyone really bisexual?

     Not by any useful definition. A useful definition of bisexuality might
be, anyone who has serious relationships with members of both sexes, and
anyone who identifies as bisexual. It is possible to suggest that everyone
has some potential for attraction to both sexes, but since most people
never act on it, this is pretty irrelevant.

     If someone says that they are straight, or (gay/lesbian) then for you
to insist that they are "really" bisexual but perhaps just don't realise it
is to deny them their self-identity. Everyone should be free to define their
own identity for themselves, which invalidates this kind of generalisation.


8.   Why do you think bi issues are different from gay issues, since all
     your problems come from the same source, homophobia?

     While homophobia is a bi issue, we do also have concerns different
from those of the gay community; the most striking being that of dealing
with prejudice from the gay community itself!

     Among our other concerns are dealing with the emotion of SOs who we
do so deeply love yet who cannot understand our attraction to MOTOS to
them. And being accepted as bisexual if we only have one partner. And we
have to deal with a lot of myths which surround bisexuality.


9.   Why would lesbians/gay men discriminate against bisexuals?

     Because we are sometimes perceived as "hiding," a sense that some
bisexuals use their bisexuality to look heterosexual at work, in straight
social settings, to enjoy the "heterosexual privilege" that is part of
the social norm. Also, bisexuals are sometimes seen as blurring the issues
and weakening the leasbian and gay movement. Naturally, bisexual activists
disagree with this view! A further reason is that some lesbians and gay men
also have sex with MOTOS (while not identifying as bisexual). Often they
can't admit this in the lesbian and gay communities, and see bisexuality as
a threat to their safety and/or acceptance.


10.  Why _can't_ you choose one sex over the other?

     Some of us have tried, but why should we? Denying our attraction to
one sex or the other _hurts_. If you ask the question out of innocence
(you don't feel this attraction, so why should anybody?) then you're
asking us to put away feelings that we cannot and will not live without.
If you ask these questions with full knowledge of the issues at hand,
then your question is as patently offensive as a white supremacist
asking us to choose one race over another.


11.  I've never slept with a MOTSS/MOTOS, but I feel attracted to one.
     Am I bisexual?

     Can you be? Sure. Are you? That's up to you to decide; nobody can
make that decision for you, and nobody has the right to tell you your
decision is wrong. Bisexuality isn't about _whom_ you sleep with, it's
about _how_ you feel.


12.  Are there any bi-friendly places in real life?

     Yes. Some lesbian/gay venues (pubs/bars, clubs, meeting-rooms) welcome
bisexuals (or in some cases, at least tolerate us). Many major cities in
the UK and the USA (and, increasingly, in Australia) have bisexual groups
which meet regularly and provide a bi-friendly "space". Details of
how to get in contact with the nearest such group to you can be found in:
  _International Directory of Bisexual Groups_,
  published by the East Coast Bisexual Network.  Send US$5 to ECBN, POB
  639, Cambridge, Massachusetts 02140, USA.
Additions since the most recent edition of this are included in the
Bisexual Resources List (q.v.).


13.  Is there really a bisexual community?

     You're talking to one right now. We are here to share our lives,
through stories, history, friends, family; we are here, on soc.bi, to
reach out from one bisexual to another and bridge the gap between isolated
bisexual communities. To be the human part of the interface.

     We are slowly coming together, demanding that our love of both sexes
not me ridiculed or minimized. Demanding that as much as the gay/lesbian
community wants recognition and respect from the straight community, we
demand recognition and respect from both. We are falling in love or
grieving in loss; we deal with the very human issues of having children;
we deal with a world after the advent of AIDS.


14.  "How can I pick up some hot bisexual babes for a threesome?"

     Don't even THINK about using soc.bi as a meat market for your
adolescent little fantasies. Soc.bi is a bi-friendly place; but it is NOT
alt.sex.*, alt.personals.*, soc.penpals or alt.romance, and attempts to use
it as such are not welcomed. Several romances, and many close friendships
have developed between soc.bi posters, but the newsgroup itself is primarily
for public discussion; we specifically ask you to refrain from posting to
this newsgroup only to pick up on people, in other words, _NO PERSONALS_.
There are several reasons for this. One is to create a safer space for people
to open up about themselves and issues they wish to talk about. Another is to
keep the quantity of messages down. Another reason is to lessen tactless
offers (especially those including rude, obnoxious, or inappropriately gross
language).

     So, please avail yourself of private e-mail to get to know people
better and discuss anything you wish. However, the FAQ writers would like to
encourage _anyone_ who feels they have received offensive e-mail, regarding
threesomes or anything else, to contact the sysadmin of the system said mail
came from and inform him/her about a user's abuse of usenet news privileges.


15.  Hi, I'm straight. Is it okay if I post here too?

     You do not need to be bisexual to post here and be welcomed. Indeed,
several of the regular posters to soc.bi are straight; some others are
lesbian or gay. However, if you are straight and post here then there is no
need to mention that you are straight in every single posting. By all means
mention your sexuality if it is of relevance to the discussion at hand, but
if you feel a need to mention that you are straight every time you post then
you should ask yourself why this is so. If you are scared of people thinking
that you are bisexual because you post to soc.bi then perhaps you should
refrain from posting here, or at least post anonymously.


16.  Is it okay if I ask you all a few questions about bisexuality?

     Please realise that many people who are bisexual (or members of any
other oppressed group for that matter) are frequently asked to justify or
explain themselves. Some of us who have been asked time and time again what
it means to be bisexual have grown very tired of answering such questions. If
you are really interesed in bisexuality then why not read the book "Bi Any
Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out" (edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani
Kaahumanu; Alison Publications, Boston 1991. ISBN 1-55583-174-5. $11.95).
This excellent book, which contains about 70 or more personal accounts,
will probably answer most of your questions; why not read that book first,
and then, if you still have a few questions, ask soc.bi for more information.


17.  Would you all please help me with this survey on sexuality?

     People post surveys to soc.bi pretty regularly, so you are not likely to
get a very good response. Many of these questionnaires appear to be badly
thought out, and of little if any scientific use. So, if it looks like you
just want to use our group for your end of term project, or might be from
(say) a religious organisation trying to get evidence of promiscuity against
us, you are liable to get more flames than completed surveys.

     If you undertaking a survey for some serious academic purpose, and still
want to include soc.bi, you would be well advised to follow these guidelines:
 - Tell us exactly who you are, where you work, and why you are doing a
   survey. In particular, what use to you is a self-selected sample? If you
   have any previous publications to cite, that would go a long way to help.
 - Say whether the identity of respondents will be kept confidential, and
   if so, offer convincing arguments that you will keep this promise. You may
   want to include details of how to reply through an anonymous server.
 - Since it is often possible to guess at the identity of a respondent from
   quoted text, if you wish to quote segments of confidential responses in
   your results, you should obtain permission from the respondent first.
 - Out of courtesy, please post some form of your results to the group.


18.  Is there anything else I should not discuss on soc.bi?

     While we'd like to be able to say "We can discuss anything here on
soc.bi," any consideration of the "morality" of bisexuality is specifically
inappropriate, so please, don't do it. That said, we all know that there
are biphobic/homophobic bigots out there, who will be here to preach unto
us as only they can. For those of you who would like a livable bi-space,
please sit on your hands and don't answer them. You'll only be encouraging
their favorite form of mental masturbation.


19.  Can I post stories to soc.bi?

     One of the ways bisexuals will come together as a community is through
shared stories, shared experiences. We can discuss our first time with a
motss (or, if we were self-identified homosexuals, with a motos), or coming
out as bi to our family/friends/colleagues. We can discuss helping another
friend through a crisis. And we can discuss dealing with death.

     To be blunt, the very nature of the 'net says we can't stop people
if they want to post stories. New readers are advised to refrain from
posting stories until they have read the newsgroup for a while to
develop a feel for what topics are appropriate. So please, if you do
post stories, keep them relevant.


20.  I haven't seen any responses to my posting. Why are you all ignoring me?

     In all likelihood, people have read your posting but choose not to
respond for any number of different reasons which have nothing to do with
wanting to ignore or snub you. Among them could be:
 - they basically agreed with what you said and did not have anything to add
   to it, and did not want to waste bandwidth with a "I agree" posting;
 - they wanted to reply did not have the time to do so;
 - they decided to reply "sometime after lunch when I have more time" and
   then, by Murphy's Law, forgot all about it; or
 - perhaps your posting was one which was seeking advice and they did not
   feel qualified enough to offer you any, perhaps hoping that someone else
   might do so instead.


21.  Why is soc.bi so argumentative at the moment, why can't it always
     be nice and fluffy?

     There is no one single purpose to the soc.bi newsgroup. Some people
like the flirations/fluff; others prefer to have serious discussions about
sexual politics or perhaps read coming out stories, or even something else
still. It can be what we want it to be, and what we make it; if the current
tone of soc.bi does not appeal to you then I suggest that instead of
complaining about it, YOU post the type of articles which you would like to
see here... post fluff, if you want it to be fluffy. If others agree, they
will followup some of your postings and pretty soon the balance of articles
in the group will have changed to accomodate your needs.

+
22.  I'd like to post to soc.bi but my newsreader won't let me, is there
     another way? And can I post anonymously?

     Yes, there is an alternative way of posting to soc.bi - you can send
your article by e-mail to [e-mail] and it will appear on the
newsgroup. Note, however, that posting this way is NOT anonymous.

     It is generally accepted that some people have valid reasons for not
posting to soc.bi under their own name; for this reason, anonymous posting
is allowed. Perhaps the best way of posting anonymously, in the first
instance, is to e-mail the article you wish to post to one of the FAQ
contributors (who are listed at the end of this FAQ). They are all happy to
send on your mail to soc.bi, deleting any headers which would identify you
if you wish. They would also be happy to answer any questions on
"netiquette" you may have before sending out your first posting.

     A longer-term solution, if you wish to post articles anonymously on
a regular basis, is to e-mail articles to the group via an anonymous posting
service such as the one at charcoal.com; e-mail [e-mail]
to find out more (no Subject: line or body is needed). You will be allocated
an anonymous "box number" which people can reply to, and only this - none of
your personal details - will appear on the article in the newsgroup. For
further information in a broader context (and other anon servers) see the
"Anonymity on the Internet FAQ" postings in news.answers.


23.  Does anyone know of any good books with bisexual characters?

     The Bisexual Resources List (q.v.) gives up-to-date details of how to
get lists of books (both general literature, and specifically Science
Ficton/Fantasy) with bisexual themes and/or characters. Additions to these
lists are always welcomed.


24.  What is the Kinsey scale?

     Dr. Alfred Kinsey created a scale, graduated between heterosexuality
and homosexuality, to rate individuals on actual experiences and
psychological reactions. The ratings are as follows:

     0: Entirely heterosexual.
     1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual.
     2: Predominantly heterosexual, but with a distinct homosexual history.
     3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual.
     4: Predominantly homosexual, but with a distinct heterosexual history.
     5: Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual.
     6: Entirely homosexual.

     Clearly anything above 0 and less than 6 can be defined as bisexual.
Although many people will say "I am Kinsey (whatever)," it should be noted
that subseuqent researchers such as Klein have found it more useful to rate
people on a variety of levels, such as "Past History," "Present History,"
"Present Feelings," and "Future Inclinations".


25.  What other resources are available on bisexuality?

     A Bisexual Resources List is posted monthly to soc.bi and several
e-mail lists. It contains, for example:
 - a diary of forthcoming events
 - a directory of other resource lists
 - a list of the various e-mail lists which may be relevant to bisexuals
 - descriptions of the newsgroups which may be relevant to bisexuals
 - a list of bisexual magazines/publications
 - a selection of books on the subject
 - list of bisexual activists' e-mail addresses.
If the resources list has expired at your site you can obtain a copy from
the maintainer, [e-mail] (Alan Hamilton).



THE SOC.BI FAQ CONTRIBUTORS
---------------------------

These are the people who actually wrote the words used in the FAQ! Thanks
are due to the many others who also made suggestions. The people whose
e-mail addresses are given are happy to post articles to soc.bi anonymously
if you wish.

Albert Lunde          <[e-mail]>
Ciaran McHale         <[e-mail]>
Dave Berry            <[e-mail]>
Elf Sternberg
Ellen Keyne Seebacher
Jon Harley            <[e-mail]>
John Flanagan
Larry D. Stratton
Roy S. Rapoport
STella                <[e-mail]>
Tim Pierce            <[e-mail]>
Tom Limoncelli        <[e-mail]>
..."and a cast of thousands"...



   ___________________________  __________________________________________ ____
  / -- Jonathan Harley --      /  Youngish. Cultured. Generous. Alone.   __\_ /
 / [e-mail] /  NBCS: B2t+w-ksvrp        IRC: Jimbles   \  X/
/____________________________/ _Phone: UK 091 222 8504 (Mon-Fri 1-7pm)____\/